The Siren’s Song

There’s a pain, a numbness, a vacancy left inside one who is molested. It doesn’t matter so much the degree to misuse or abuse… The hole presses in with the smallest infraction. There’s a shame that comes with the wounds made then that make the scar now that much more noticeable – a guilt that says this should be over, these feelings gone. And for the most part they are, until they creep back in like a movie in jagged frame.

Some hurts you can’t erase, there are just some memories you can’t forget. Just like that child that over-acted and made a point to be in a crowd, entertainer of the year, the limelight to cover the dark secrets. The pictures didn’t surface there.. They couldn’t find their entry point. But, you weren’t better, only masked.

Be someone else, fill another’s shoes, escape this life and live another… Be the part, feel the part, forget your fears if for a day. It was a game I’d play. A fantastic way to take on another personality, a stronger personality, without finding yourself locked away.

No one knew.
I made sure of it.

If I didn’t acknowledge it maybe it would go away. It didn’t. Years later, decades older and still the memories find their way back in to disturb the peace.

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And others say things, things that do not help but make us feel even more ashamed, statements that doubt our healing… Our wholeness… Because the memory remains. Memories they don’t hold, cannot understand, therefore cannot know their cure. But He does… He doesn’t fault me for my tears or shame me for my fears. He doesn’t disapprove of my mourning yet again the innocence once and for all time lost.

He waits.

He doesn’t force or reach out but knows, in these moments, I must first be the one to embrace. So slowly, hands unlock behind my knees, my rocking stills, and the black tears that stain my jeans begin to fade back to blue. I sniff, I stretch, I wipe the last of the emotional dew from my cheek, and I smile. He is here. He feels and sees now just like then, and I am ready to feel His arms and know His grace again.

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5 responses to “The Siren’s Song

  1. You are so right about the ways these feelings and perceived failings resurface over time. Issues such as this help paint a more complete picture of why Christ said that we are to love without condition…without selection…sometimes without completely understanding. Survivors of such abuse better understand the beautifully tragic meeting of grace, pain, justice, and forgiveness. It is in the middle of this fallen world that such moments of realization work to more clearly define the face of Christ and the feel of His loving arms. Thank you for sharing from your heart.

  2. I know all too well what you are talking about here. I feel it too, it happens to me when I least expect it and when I think I have outrun the pain, there it is again.

  3. I am sorry you suffer like I.
    Yet overflowing with gratefulness that God comforts you too. Waits until you are ready.
    Wraps His powerful loving arms around you and brings you back – you who feels the intensity all over again at times, like it was yesterday. Our life times too short for it all to be erased – we can only be strengthened by it, grow by it and help others see that God is also waiting for them too – to look up and say ‘please help me’.

    Love you Sister. x

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