Confession of failures

You live on this earth long enough, and you will find that people fail you. They don’t intend to, most of them don’t want to, and, sadly, their are some that will destroy you if given the chance, but the ones that you put your trust in, no matter how much they love you and want God’s best for you are simply flesh. They will fail you.

I fail people I love all the time.

I fail my kids. I don’t want to, but I do. They ask me to play Barbies and I say, “In a minute, honey, I’m folding clothes.” That minute turns into hours, “Mom, play with us!” And I’m knee deep in paying bills at the moment so I say, “Not right now; mommy’s busy.” Before I know it the day has slipped away from me and Barbies never get played. Fail.

I fail my husband. He deserves so much better. He loves to pray together before we go to bed…after all, the family that prays together stays together, right? But, I’m tired, it’s been a long day, and before I know it it’s morning, he’s disappointed, and another night has gone by without prayer time. Epic fail.

I fail my friends. I don’t mean to. I get busy with life, with drama, with writing, with MY responsibilities and suddenly out of the blue I decide I need to talk to my friend that has disappeared out of my life for a month. So feeling hurt, I pick up the phone only to find out she’s been fighting for her marriage, her husband had an affair and she doesn’t think she can live like this anymore. Ugh. I failed her.

The list goes on, failure after failure builds up. I’m flesh and I’m sorry. Really really sorry. I swear I’ll never do it again…which only sets me up for greater failure and greater self-loathing. Because I will…and I have. And sadly, I’ve set them up to be failed. I mean, now when my kids ask me to play Barbies it’s with this attitude like, “Sure. It’ll never happen.” Which breaks my heart. When Brian says, “I’m jumping in the shower; I hope you’re awake when I get out.” He’s really saying, “I know you’ll be asleep; I’m used to it.” And when my friend needs someone, I won’t be the first one she calls. Rightfully so. You learn not to trust the people that let you down. I get that.

Perhaps the worst of it is this: I fail my Jesus. Daily. I don’t mean to. I don’t want to. But, I do. He desires to spend time with me, to be in relationship with me, to take on the many burdens that I carry on my shoulders like some kind of badge of courage, and I don’t let Him. The amazing thing about Christ is this: He still uses me, calls on me, longs for me, comforts me, encourages me. He never fails. Never. And He doesn’t give up on me because of my failures. He sees them, points my attention to them, to help me, to strengthen me, to remind me that I’m not the answer. He is.

I love my Jesus! He knows this. My Jesus loves me! He doesn’t lose sight of this. Even when the enemy threatens me with condemnation and doubt, Jesus whispers His love for me. It doesn’t make sense does it? That I could fail so miserably in so many areas with so many people and He still loves and chooses me? But He does. Every single time.

His words says that He waits for us to rise so that He can remind us of His mercy! Isn’t that beautiful? He waits for us to rise! That’s the Lord that loves us, our Father that anxiously waits with a smile on His timeless face through the watches of the night until we smack our lips, blink at the sunlight, stretch and face the day because He’s full of love for us, and His mercies are new every morning!

I am not a failure.  Deep down, I know this.  He tells me this daily, every morning when I threaten to wake up in a cloud of defeat.  I fail, but I’m not a failure. You fail, but you’re not a failure. He knows it and chose you.  “Love never fails.”  Now how’s that for faithful!?

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6 responses to “Confession of failures

  1. Feel ya. I needed to hear this today. I’ve been feeling VERY failed by people I’ve invested in here recently. In truth, giving up has been a VERY real consideration for me.

    Well timed dear lady.

    • That is the hardest, huh? But, remember, if God has called you to them and they are still there…there is more to be done through you. “They will know we are Christians by our love”…love them, Brian…just love them. 🙂

  2. This reminds me of our what our dear friend Ozzie has been saying lately. Here’s quick quote from today’s devotional -“Do you say, “But He has been unwise to choose me, because there is nothing good in me and I have no value”? That is exactly why He chose you. As long as you think that you are of value to Him He cannot choose you, because you have purposes of your own to serve. But if you will allow Him to take you to the end of your own self-sufficiency, then He can choose you to go with Him “to Jerusalem” ( Luke 18:31 ). And that will mean the fulfillment of purposes which He does not discuss with you.”
    God chooses us BECAUSE of our brokenness, and failures. We have to realize that we have nothing to offer to God before He can show us His purpose. We can’t have own our agenda and God’s at the same time. It just doesn’t work.
    On an encouraging note, I can’t read your blog posts without feeling hope at the end! I feel down, and I want to continue feeling down, but I read your encouraging thoughts or what Jesus has been showing you, and the joy and hope just builds up in me again, because no matter what I do or don’t do, God is not going to give up on me. On either of us. Keep running to Him, Leslie! He will ALWAYS catch you!

  3. Leslie,

    We all fail at some point. The important thing to remember is that God has chosen you to bring Grace, Joy and Happiness in to the lives of so many young girls who are desperately seeking someone to speak Christ into their lives.

    I know this, because you have done this in a BIG way with my own two girls. In this you have not failed. I have such respect for people like you and Jenny who daily put aside the cares of your own lives to bring Joy to others.

    Hug your girls because they grow up too quickly. They will make you angry at times, but you will always love them. You will always wonder if you have given enough of yourself to them, it is never enough, but sometimes that is all we have to give. In the end you just hope they recognize all that you have done.

    I can only say one thing:
    Thanks!!!

    JessieH

    • Thank you! Thank you for reminding me what God has me doing… That it’s so much deeper than writing stories about teen girls but it is about the Holy Spirit breathing life into those stories and the Father loving on His precious daughters! It’s difficult at times, but messages like yours remind me I only fail if I stop trying! 😉

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