My last blog left off with my conversation with God, my desperate call for help to do what He was leading me to do, and His answer that we would heal others. I have to say, I immediately checked that thought, after all, I’m talking to teen girls about how to take their thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ, I have to do the same. Was it a selfish thought? Was it a thought that served myself or others? Was it good, lovely, and pure? Did it perpetuate the Love of God in me and through me? Did it line up with His Word? Yes. It did. I knew my Father spoke it, but what did He mean?
I looked back over what I was reading and listening to when I heard God’s voice as He spoke to Heidi and regardless of where I was and what I was supposed to be doing, I knew God was calling me away to focus, to get what He was saying, to understand. I shut the book, listened to the birds and the bugs (and saws) just outside my window and reached in to hear His voice. It was there, like a breaking wave, “You will heal the blind, cause the lame to dance, and set the captives free.”
Me? Surely I heard wrong. Who was I? I was little old Leslie with a lot of heart but very little power. I had just read Heidi’s story…she had kept her hands up for 3 hours, laid on her face for three days, and was consumed and ignited with the fire of God – of course, she would heal! I understood this. But I was no Heidi! I could barely pray for an hour without losing focus about a million times or fading off to sleep!
Then I heard the same thing He had been saying to me for a while, the very same answer He gave Peter when he wanted to know about John’s fate, “What’s that to you? What does what I do through anyone else, and what anyone else does for me have to do with you?” I was listening. “Leslie, when will you see that there is no prescription for My working power, no set of rules, or secret to unlock? When will you get rid of your box and take hold and trust in My Love?”
I was still struggling to process, but I was beginning to understand…it wasn’t about me at all. It wasn’t about me following a set of rules, or obeying a scheduled pattern of practice. It wasn’t about what I could do to earn His favor and walk in His power, it was about accepting that I had His favor and I was walking in His power by His grace!
A few months ago someone told me, “Leslie, God gave me a word for you.” I was open to receive that word…if it was from God, I was desperate to hear it. Then he said, “If you don’t stop your ego-centrism, it will destroy you!” I admit that I was immediately offended, and even more so deeply hurt. I tested that word, and looked it up in the dictionary…ego centrism- caring about no one but yourself, self-involved and selfish. Really? If God had said this, did He know me? I shared it with my mentor and it didn’t resonate in either of us, in the voice in which it was shared, so I was told to dismiss it. But, it has served to haunt me. Anyone that knows what I have been through in the last couple of years in my life, has seen me struggle to find purpose, and question my life, knows that pride is something that was intentionally plucked out of me, not nicely or with gentleness, but in it’s place came grace and mercy and understanding…for all things but PRIDE. Pride doesn’t sit well with me. I am righteously indignant against it. It rises up my cackles and requires me to settle my spirit before God to control and to calm. I have made that “word” my prayer that I would never truly hear those words from the lips of God…that I would always be humble in my faith and in dealing with others…and that everything I have been given to do, and every gift that He has bestowed upon me would be offered back in love and thankfulness that He might be glorified.
I say all that to say that as time has passed I have come to the conclusion that my friend was both right and wrong. He was wrong because He translated that word as accusation and warning, but it was meant to be (or has come to mean to me) a word of wisdom and advice. It had nothing to do with only caring about myself, or not being willing to get dirty to minister to others, or putting myself on a pedestal. It has everything to do with not thinking that anything that God is doing in me and through me was based on who I am or what others saw in me. Doing God’s work is about being obedient and being open. It isn’t about playing a part, or gaining the favor of man, it is entirely about being pliable in the hands of my Maker, my Creator, my Lord, and my King. Sure others can and will do what I do, and many can and will do it better. It’s not about me being special or an expert, it is about me being obedient to the call He’s placed on my life, without looking to see what He is doing through and in others.
Healer God was pointing out my blindness, opening my eyes to see what had obscured my sight for so long. Healing my vision blinded by my insecurities. This was an important step…because no one gets anywhere when led by a blind person…but when the blind leader begins to see…the journey is clearer, and the passion is stoked to remove everyone’s scales so that we all can see!