I woke up to selfishness. Of course in a house with kids that is pretty normal, but today it hit me hard. Little signs of selfishness litter my life, and were personified in scowls and frowns and words of disgust and hatred. From not being woken up for my oldest daughter’s first day of school simply because playing on the phone was more appealing to my husband, to having to fight the 4 year old to get in his clothes off and on again, to threatening the 9 year old because she didn’t want to leave the TV. And I realized, even in my silent acknowledgements of their “failures” I was selfish, too.
I’m tired. Not in a complaining, poor pitiful me way, but in a way that says, “By golly (because I totally use that phrase), this is not okay!” – not for me, not for us, not for the world. Jesus was not about being selfish. Everything He did was selfless. He is my example.
I have friends that hurt me. Their selfishness hurts me. They don’t have time to talk or send more than a two word text (or Lord help me a two letter text!). They think nothing of complaining to me, and when I try and encourage them, it’s not enough… It’s too personal. Or, when I try and reach out myself, they are too busy, or not interested, or just don’t really care. That’s the hard truth. But in my offense I am being selfish, because if I were truly thinking about them, and their needs ahead of my own, then it shouldn’t matter. But it does.
This isn’t a pity party. This is an honest look at what selfishness has done and what it looks like to me. And I am super guilty. In my devotion time these words penetrated my heart, “selfless faith.”
Selfless – having little or no concern for oneself, especially with regard to fame, position, money, etc.; unselfish.
This is where my heart hurts. This is where I am most guilty. My life often looks selfish; how often does my faith look like that? How often do I live in the joy of Christ and focusing on those He has placed in my life when it doesn’t somehow come back around to me? Well, I know we do good deeds.. I’ve done a few, but why? What’s my motive? Don’t ask that unless you are ready… Because the truth was painful to swallow, like a horse pill after you’ve put a teaspoon of cinnamon in your mouth (BTW – don’t try that). I mostly do good to make myself feel better. To make others like me. So that my Daddy God looks at me and says, “Well done.” To ensure that mansion next to Francis Chan just past the pearly gates. Selfish. Pure and simple. My faith and everything I do is about me, ultimately.
A worship song that I love says “I see a generation rising up to take their place, with selfless faith.” How can they do that? What example are we setting? Do we even know what a selfless day looks like, much less a selfless faith filled generation? I was pondering that… And my role to help lead this generation through this chaotic and not so charmed life… And I decided, it starts with me.
It would be a joke to say from this moment forward I’m not gonna be selfish. But I can challenge myself to live a selfless 6 hours, then a selfless 12 hours and so on and so forth. You think I’m being too easy on myself? You try it. In fact, I challenge you in just this ONE hour to do everything out of selfless ambition. If you make it.. Push it to 2.. That’s what I’m gonna do. In fact, it starts tomorrow for me, in earnest. And I’m gonna keep a journal. If you see me, challenge me. Ask me how I’m doing. This is serious. And it should be. We have a world to change, to inspire, and to encourage for Christ… And, lets be honest, our selfishness isn’t really working.